Lifelong underachieving, surreality loving, introspective, exhausted and broken-hearted spacer.
It felt like life was a survival until I was diagnosed ASD_IV (specifically Asperger’s, ADHD, SPD). In the long term, the diagnosis has saved my life. I lose myself to society. I am like an alien suffocating under this skin, crying up to the sky to please take me home, and begging the sea to swallow me when the stars do not reply. Then I have this conflicting sense of purpose, like I am here for some reason, as if my differences have the capacity for bringing something beautiful into this world- be it a different perspective, compassion, wisdom or quite simply a sprinkle of joy here and there; but my brain really struggles to make my incredibly diverse and multi-dimensional interiority physical. I want to make this a more beautiful place to live in. It’s pulling the stunning surreality out of my head is where I struggle. I cannot set free all I have to offer and be apart of society at the same time. I am either human or I am… Homoaspien: a different kind of human.
Other things you might want to know:
Thirty something Irish woman.
Things I am good at:
Throwing logic at people in emotional crisis. Sarcasm.
Humour. Affection. Loving people. Understanding animals. Reading people’s souls. The truth. Writing that awakens people. Giving presentations/ training. Yoga. Making tea with the perfect ratio of water to teabag. Fixing lines without a ruler. Carrying heavy objects from A to B. Following specific orders. Being a second in command. Creating the most efficient system. Problem solving. Thinking outside the box. Working alone. Financial/budgeting efficiency. Minimising waste. Ranting about how the Earth is dying. Dreaming about floating through space. Visualisation. Creating music videos in my mind. Creating plays/movies/storylines in my mind. Feeling deeply. Forgiving people. Feeling compassion. I can love even the most unlovable creatures.
Things I struggle with:
Employment, learning, reading. Incredible Hulk style internal combustion. Humans. Social hierarchy. Unspoken social rules. Elephants in the room. Politics. Being in a group environment. Fucking Fluorescent Lights. The wind. Light reflecting on moving water. Millions of different coloured stones on a beach. Most perfumes. Chemical cleaning products. Human’s facial expressions beyond the basics. Wet things. Getting wet. All the wetness. Changing habits. Thinking too far outside the box. Thinking that there is only one way: Mine. Thinking that people know what I am thinking. Knowing my place within a team. Facial recognition. Remembering who people are, out of context. Trying to bring my imagination world into reality. Small talk. Intense people. Fucking assholes. Processing the feelings I feel when fucking assholes are being assholes. Processing feelings in general.
Things I want to get better at:
Taekwando. Flexibility (physical and mental). Creating and maintaining habits without the six month deliberations needed to aquire change. Consistent eating habits. I want to be able to listen better- like really listen but it being easy instead of exhausting. I will conquer my reading struggles. Energetic consistency. Being less weird in public. Not sounding or looking angry when in sensory overload. Keeping my mouth shut instead of blabbering shite to random strangers/acquaintances. Knowing when someone is being fake to me.
You can contact me at homoaspienblog (at) gmail (dot) com